Why I lay with my preschooler until she falls asleep
Maybe you’ve been told that laying with your pre-schooler until they fall asleep is a bad habit, or the reason for night-time disturbances. Or maybe you are laying with your child until they fall asleep, but it’s taking them forever to do so, and driving your cortisol levels through the roof! At the end of the day, whether or not you should stay with your child until they fall asleep is a personal decision, and it really depends on one question: Is it serving you and your child?
For me currently, my husband and I are taking turns laying with our 4-year old daughter every night while she falls asleep; because it’s working for us in this season of life. Here are the top 5 reasons why:
Because we have the ability to do it.
Because we like to do it.
Because she falls asleep more easily when we do.
Because she isn’t experiencing any night time disturbances because of it.
Because we don’t feel stuck.
Number one: we lay with our daughter while she falls asleep because we are able to. Meaning, neither of us works night shift or travels super often, so there is usually one of us to lay with her, while the other one takes care of putting our one year old to bed. Putting our one-year old to bed is super simple these days, which frees up that parent to take care of some things around the house, while the other one lays with our daughter. If you are a single parent, have a parent who works late or travels a lot, or have more than two children; I could definitely see why it would be hard for you to manage laying with your child until they fall asleep each night, but for us, it’s relatively easy.
Number two: we like it! My husband actually describes laying with my daughter while she falls asleep to be the most relaxing part of his day. He says it is the part of his day where he feels like he is exactly where he is supposed to be, and he can release his mind from worrying about other things, and I find that to be so precious! We both know that she won’t be little for that much longer, and we genuinely enjoy the closeness at the end of the day. I often share the sweetest moments with Imogene as she’s drifting off to sleep; and field the most interesting questions! I just love being part of her world and reconnecting after a long day.
Number three: She falls asleep more easily and quickly when we lay with her. When we first switched Imogene over to a big girl bed, she had trouble falling asleep. We were leaving her in her room after a book and lullaby, and she was popping out of bed every few minutes; avoiding going to sleep. We were afraid if we laid with her, we’d create a bad habit, so we resisted. We tried lots of different things, such as sitting in the hallway, or doing check-ins, for one dark moment we even tried securing her door (but that is a story for another day!). At the end of the day, we experienced less stress, and she had less anxiety, when we just laid with her. She falls asleep within about 15 minutes, because we have a good schedule and routines in place and her body is tired, so again, for us it's very manageable. Imogene is a very smart and aware child, so she often has a hard time shutting off her thoughts, and she gets scared and worried easily because she has a big imagination. Having us lay beside her makes her feel safe enough to drift to sleep quickly and easily.
Number four: She isn’t experiencing any nighttime disturbances. Being in the world of pediatric sleep, I was told by a lot of other professionals that laying in bed with my daughter while she fell asleep was a slippery slope, and that it would lead to more wake-ups or encourage our daughter to push our boundaries. But, honestly it has not! My daughter sleeps through the night, and on the occasion she has a bad dream or needs us in the night, falls asleep independently after a quick check-in and reassurances. We aren’t lying in her bed in the middle of night, nor is she climbing into ours. Because we have clear and consistent boundaries in place, and she respects them. She also feels safe in her bed and sleeps well there. She uses a “ready to wake” clock, and 99% of the time stays in her bed until the light turns green. On the weekend when we can sleep in a bit, she knows she’s allowed to crawl in bed with us for a little extra sleep and snuggles AFTER her light turns green, but not before. However, I do recognize, and want to share here, that some of this is related to her temperament, and I can’t promise it would work for every child. Children have vastly different temperaments; and for some children, laying in bed with them to fall asleep, may cause an issue; which is why it’s important to address each unique sleep situation, as just that, unique.
Number five: We don’t feel stuck. Ultimately, laying in bed with Imogene until she falls asleep is working really well for us in this season of life. But, I also know that when it stops serving us we can gently and compassionately move away from it. I help families create plans to move away from bedtime habits that aren’t working for them (like this one) all the time. I also know we likely won’t have to do anything. As she grows, her independence will grow also, and I probably will be the one she’s kicking out after awhile!
We also don’t feel stuck in the sense that we can still go out on a date, or travel, and another settler can easily put Imogene to bed. She goes to bed easily for caretakers she’s familiar with such as her Nana, and our frequent baby-sitters; and no they are not laying with her while she falls asleep!
I know that laying with a child to help them fall asleep doesn’t work for everyone in every season of life, and in every situation. But, if it is working for you, don’t let someone from the outside make you feel guilty or foolish about it. If it’s not working for you, either because your child is taking ages to fall asleep, or they’re having lots of night time disturbances, or you just can’t manage it for any other reason, then there are plenty of gentle approaches to moving away from this practice; but they do all involve a plan and clear and consistent boundaries. If you’re stuck in a bedtime pattern that is no longer serving you, I’d be honored to assist you in making bedtime changes that help everyone get more sleep, in a way that is grounded in connection and respect for your child. If that’s you, reach out to book your discovery call today! https://calendly.com/slumberbunnies/discoverycall
