Should I use incentives?
If you are trying to achieve better sleep results for your toddler or “big kid” you may be considering adding incentives as part of your plan. In this blog post I dive into my thoughts on incentives, when they should be used, how they should be used, some examples of incentives, and when to AVOID using incentives.
What is an incentive?
Simply put an incentive is a small reward that your child can earn by completing a desired action or exhibiting a desired behavior. For example, while we were potty training our daughter we gave her a sticker for every time that she successfully used the potty. She liked to put her sticker on the potty which was fine with us! As the potty became a normal part of her routine the stickers naturally became phased out. She stopped asking for them, and we stopped offering them.
Some Basic Guidelines for Incentives
Incentives should be meaningful to your child. Choose an incentive they are motivated by.
Incentives should be sustainable. Choose an incentive you can afford to give your child on a daily basis; usually incentives should be small enough that the child doesn’t care all that much when they are phased out.
Incentives should be fitting to the level of effort you are asking your child to put in. Giving a sticker for when your child finishes brushing their teeth is appropriate, while giving a sticker when your child sleeps through the night is too small of an incentive to match the behavior.
Incentives should not be given without clear expectations and guidelines on how to earn the incentive. You must be consistent with this, don’t change it day to day, and definitely don’t give the incentive if the goal was not met. An example of a clear incentive would be “You can earn a sticker each time you use the potty and wash your hands” or “you can earn a penny every time you pick up your toys and put them away before bed.”
When not to use incentives:
Do not use an incentive with a child that is too young to understand how to earn the incentive, or why they are earning the incentive
Do not use incentives with children who are super-incentive driven (I know this sounds counterintuitive). We want these children to develop intrinsic motivation, or the desire to do something for the pride of doing it. These kids will also react negatively when you phase out the incentive and will regress in behaviors. In addition, if the child loses the incentive for the day, they will have no motivation to meet your expectations once the incentive is taken off the table. This child will also likely throw a huge tantrum if they don’t earn their incentive. For children who are motivated by self-pride, parental praise, and learning new things, an incentive is simply a cherry on top; this is the right child for incentives.
Do not offer incentives for things that the child is not developmentally ready to do! For example, if your child has been co-sleeping, it is unfair for you to offer them an incentive for sleeping in their bed all night, because it is highly unlikely they will be able to do that successfully without a lot of coaching from you. For another example, an 18 month old shouldn’t be offered and incentive for using the potty when they may not be showing the signs of being developmentally ready to be potty trained.
Do not use an incentive as your ONLY method of training your child on a new skill or behavior. Learning to sleep independently takes careful planning and practice. It requires a lot of help from you, the parent. Offering an incentive with no other plan of action is going to do nothing for you, but frustrate your child and you!
When to use incentives:
Your child is developmentally ready for the skill or behavior you are asking them to exhibit
You have clear expectations on how to earn the incentive which you’ve communicated MANY times to the child, and practiced
You have an entire plan in place to help your child gain the skill, and the incentive is just a single part of that plan
Your child is already intrinsically motivated to learn the skill, and the incentive is just the cherry on top
You have a single action/behavior you want your child to complete to earn the incentive and the effort matched the reward.
Incentives Ideas:
Stickers
Pennies
Extra time doing something they enjoy (preferably NOT screen time)
For big accomplishments you could let your child pick out a special outing for the family, or choose the dinner menu for a celebratory meal at home
Do you have to use incentives? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes…many times, they do more harm than good. But, if you are going to use incentives be very thoughtful about how you implement them. Remember, incentives alone do not a sleep plan make! If you are struggling getting your toddler or school aged child to sleep through the night, it might be time to enlist a sleep coach! You can book a free discovery call with me https://calendly.com/slumberbunnies/discoverycall, and you can check out my sleep-packages at www.slumberbunnies.com/sleep-packages.
