Fire Safety and Safe Sleep
So, I’ve recently been posting on my social media about the importance of connection, and leading with connection, when you are supporting your child through a sleep challenge. Some of my posts centered around sleep advice that I would never give parents, because I feel that it is counter to attachment, and puts attachment at risk. One of those posts was about locking children in their room. Here is the original body of the post.
“Another piece of advice I would never give, is to lock your toddler or child in their room to keep them from getting out of bed. Firstly, I recommend keeping toddlers in a crib until they are at least three years old, as before this age they are just not developmentally ready to understand rules and boundaries around popping out of bed a night. Keeping your toddler in their crib until 3+ can save everyone a lot of headache, especially if your child is happy in their crib!
But for those kids that have transitioned out of their crib, getting out of bed and leaving the room can be a new sleep issue that families face. When my own daughter was going through this transition I was amazed by how prevalent the advice “just lock the door” was, especially amongst sleep consultants. The thing is, locking your child in their room so they cannot come to you when they need you is bad for attachment. And if your child is having separation anxiety, treating separation with separation will only increase that anxiety. You have to meet separation anxiety with connection. When your child feels secure in the knowledge that they can come to you in the night (or that you will come to them), they will actually sleep more soundly in their bed.
Some would argue that for safety reasons it’s important to secure your toddler in the room. I would actually argue that it is better to secure the rest of the house. For example, install a sturdy gate at the entrance to the hallway or at the top of staircases, and use child proof knobs on doors you don’t want your child to enter. We basically have our home secured so that the only room (other than her own) our child can enter at night, is our bedroom. Not to mention, iIf locking your child in their room at night is your only strategy for keeping them in their bed, you’re going to run into trouble when it comes time to potty train for nights.
You can set boundaries AND achieve a solid night’s sleep WITHOUT locking your child in their room! We can do this in a way that honors connection and attachment, so that your child knows “I can sleep in my own bed at night and Mommy and Daddy are always there if I need them”.
A couple days after posting this, my cousin, who is a firefighter, actually reached out to me. Here is what she said:
“Hey cuz. I was watching one of your videos the other day and it sparked my inner firefighter to share my perspective with you. You mentioned not locking your kids in their rooms so they can come to you at night when they wake. I am 100% not a cry it out mom, So I can definitely agree with you. But as a firefighter, I have to share my safety thoughts. A closed bedroom door can 100% save a life in the event of a fire. On top of that, children tend to run to their parents when there is a loud noise or something scary (fire alarm, smoke, fire), and that’s a big problem for a firefighter. If you home is on fire and for some reason you are not able to get to your kids’ room, being able to tell the fire department exactly where they are will save their life. Finding a small child in the pitch black is next to impossible in a whole house. We use a door knob spinner to keep [our child] in and use a monitor. He knows to yell out to us and we will come straight to him if he wakes and needs us. Keeping a kid secure in their room with a closed door is the absolute safest thing for them. I don’t want to take away from what you are saying though because I agree that connection is important and kids deserve to feel safe in knowing you are there and present. I just had to share my safety aspect of that because I care.”
Alongside this message she shared with me a website called FSRI.org and closeyourdoor.org. These are great resources to explore if you want to learn more about the research behind closing your door to help mitigate the risks of a home fire ending in tragedy.
Some Tips for Supporting Your Child while Practicing Fire Safety
Introduce your children to firefighters. Read books about firefighters, or visit a local fire-station to familiarize your kids with these rescuers.
Teach your children never to hide from a firefighter, and show them pictures of what firefighters will look like in all their gear
Create a fire emergency plan for your family, discuss and practice it.
Teach children the importance of sleeping behind a closed door, and practice shutting the door after nighttime trips to the potty
If a child comes to you in the night, always shut their door after you have tucked them back in bed
For children who prefer to fall asleep with their door cracked, shut their door before you go to bed yourself.
For very young kids, or any child at risk of hiding during an emergency, secure the door with a child-safety lock, but set up a check-in system so your child understands how to access you at night. For ex. Show your toddler how you can watch them on the monitor to look out for them in the night. Remind your child that whenever they call for you, you will come to them, and be dependable when answering their calls in the night.
You can take a responsive approach to night wakings, and still practice fire-safety! For very young children, or those at risk of hiding in an emergency, being secured in their room for night sleep may be the safest option. Communication and connection is key when dealing with safety and sleep issues.
