Improving your Child’s sleep through Mindset
There are many variables that impact the quality of your baby, toddler, or child’s sleep; and many of these are discussed widely on the internet, in parenting books, and on social media platforms. Maybe your child is overtired, or they haven’t eaten enough calories during the day? Perhaps you’re using the wrong wake windows or nap schedule? Most likely you’ve heard these explanations again and again as you've searched for answers to your child’s sleep issues. One factor that is currently overlooked, however, is your mindset around your child’s sleep, and it may be having a bigger impact than you realize.
Why our Mindset Matters
Children of all ages, but especially children younger than nine, rely heavily on their caregivers to co-regulate in order to feel safe and calm. What this means is that if your child gets overwhelmed, anxious, scared, or otherwise stressed, they need your support to help them calm their emotions and come back to homeostasis. Without the help of a caregiver, they will remain elevated and be unable to sleep. In addition, all humans have something called mirror neurons, which means we pick up on the state of those around us, and are impacted by that. You’ve probably experienced this if you’ve ever watched a competition. Do you find yourself getting nervous with the competitors, even though you aren’t competing? Or you might feel drained after spending an afternoon with that friend you have who is always complaining and finding the “doom and gloom” in every situation. We tend to reflect the emotions of those around us. Babies and children are even more sensitive to this phenomenon. Therefore, as a parent, the attitude and mindset you carry with you while working on your child’s sleep situation, is of paramount importance.
4 Areas to Adjust Your Mindset
Have Realistic Expectations around your Child’s Sleep: This is a huge one, because often a child’s broken sleep may be very developmentally appropriate, but parents are hearing messaging that broken sleep is pathological. If you are working with a Sleep Consultant, it is important to find someone who understands child development and can give you realistic expectations around your child’s sleep needs and capabilities. For example, young infants tend to wake many times throughout the night. This is not a design flaw; on the contrary it is thought to be protective against SIDS, and also helps you baby gain and maintain weight through frequent feedings. However, there are actually popular parenting books that claim they can have a 6 week old sleeping 6 hour stretches, an 8 week old sleeping 8 hours stretches, and a 10 week old sleeping 10 hour stretches. Can this happen? Sure. Does it happen often? No. Be wary of blanket promises. Instead, work with someone who will help you understand what is normal for your child. Often just knowing that your child’s sleep is normal can take off a lot of pressure, while you work towards optimizing sleep in a way that meets your child where they are developmentally.
Get Curious About Your Child’s Sleep: Instead of looking at your child’s sleep pattern as something “broken” that needs to be fixed, consider it a form of communication from your child. Start keeping a log and noting patterns. Is your child always having difficulty falling asleep after a feed? Is your child waking 20 minutes into their nap every single time? Is your baby always waking up crying? A holistic sleep consultant can help you note patterns and understand what root causes could be at play; working on eliminating wake-ups from there. Taking a curious attitude, and viewing your child’s sleep issues as communication can help you keep a more positive, or at least neutral, attitude towards the current situation.
Let the Pressure Off: Many parents are led to believe (by well-meaning sleep professionals) that they are the key problem keeping their child from getting to sleep, and staying asleep. Hear this: You. Are. Not. The. Problem. If you are responding to your child when they cry…that is not the problem. If you are comforting your child when they need support getting to sleep…that is not the problem. Your child’s poor quality of sleep, is not caused by your responsiveness. There is likely an underlying reason they are not getting optimal sleep, but it is not because you are being responsive. So, take a deep breath, and go comfort your baby if he is crying. Sit with your toddler until she falls asleep if that is what she needs tonight, and then find a sleep consultant who will work with you on a holistic approach that allows you to be responsive to your child, while also optimizing sleep. Also remember, it is not your job to “make” your child sleep”. Sleep is a biological function, and you can’t make a child sleep anymore than you can make them pee or poop on command. All you can do is provide the optimal framework for sleep, and work at addressing root issues. Letting go of the idea that you are to blame for your child’s sleep issues can help you have a healthy, less anxious, mindset around your child’s sleep. Comforting your child when they are in hysterics, rather than trying to hold off for them to “self-soothe” will certainly lower your blood pressure.
Get Support when you are in the Red Zone: You can think of the “Red Zone” as a state of dysregulation. If you are coming to the sleep space dysregulated, your child is going to have a really hard time getting to sleep (think back to the mirror neurons and co-regulation concepts we discussed earlier). Maybe you are feeling super anxious that your child isn’t going to get to sleep at a decent hour, and you find yourself inadvertently rushing them through their sleep routine. Maybe, like me, you have a great deal of trouble sitting still, and as you wait for your child to get calm enough to go to sleep you feel your body getting hot, and anger and frustration starting to build. Maybe your “red zone” feelings have nothing to do with sleep at all; maybe you had a really tough day at work, or you have a deadline coming up that you’re preoccupied with. Bottom line is this: get yourself calm before you attempt to put your child to bed; and if you can’t regulate your emotions, tag in your support. If you don’t have support at home, working with a consultant who can help you brainstorm some coping strategies and mindfulness activities can be really helpful. If you are in the depth of a sleep crisis, and going it alone, consider if there is anyone in your life that could spend a night or two in your home as you work on sleep issues; perhaps your mom, a neighbor, or a sibling. Women with grown children tend to be a great resource. They’ve been where you are, but have some perspective, because they know it’s only temporary. They tend to have stores of patience on reserve, and generally enjoy spending time with your kiddos, because they are already in a place of “missing those days”. You might be surprised who makes a great ally, if you are willing to ask. I found my neighbor (mother or 3 grown sons, and retired nurse) to be a wonderful help with both of my children, just as soon as I found the courage to ask her for help when I needed an extra set of hands.
The Bottom Line
Adjusting your mindset is a powerful tool in almost any aspect of life, and it is no different when it comes to addressing your family’s sleep situation. This is not to say “positive thinking” or “trying a little meditation” is going to magically fix sleep in your home, but there is ample research to back up the fact that children need the support of an adult to help them regulate their emotions, and feel calm and safe enough to fall asleep. A healthy perspective, realistic expectations, and a good support system, can make a world of difference for you, and your little ones.
Family dynamics and your role as loving parent are aspects of your child’s sleep plan that we can work in depth on within my holistic sleep coaching package. Book your discovery call today at https://calendly.com/slumberbunnies.
